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05 October 2014 @ 11:26 pm
He Toss My Salad Like His Name Romaine...  
Apologies to my loyal fans for the lack of updates, I know all 2 of you have been dying for this...

I've surprisingly been so busy the last few weeks! What with all the late nights out at the onyx klub (it's an imitation club, like krab meat is imitation krab) and the DP's. I've either been too tired or too hungover to write about my adventures. So what all has happened since the last update? What was it about again, probably the onyx klub, oh that's right, the novel, it's still going to happen. Hopefully this week I'll post a chapter on here, I think I'm going to write it Game of Thrones style in which each chapter is a character's name .. yes ... yes...this is what I'll do.

So Tyler T Park is no more, he has since resigned from our office, we had a nice going away DP for him in which I covered him in mustard. By wearing a plain white T-shirt he was just asking for it. We of course went to fucking pete's the next day for lunch. Every week we go to fucking pete's to say goodbye to someone else. I hate fucking pete's. We also did the onyx klub last weekend with him. Oh and I almost definitely could have gotten laid! It was so funny! So we were all inside in our "booth" and of course Tyrone immediately hits the dance floor, he just can't not gyrate his hips when there's bad hip hop music playing. Oh and let's not forget the fact that he has to "get low" at least 300 times per song. Old man anal had made it out but he had left by this time because he's old and had to get to bed. Anyway, Tyrone was dancing and scaring away all the other klub-goers so I got up to dance with him to prove that he wasn't a psychopath and put the room at ease. While Tyrone (I keep typing Tyron, maybe I'm trying to make him Tyrion) is busy demanding everyone else at the table get up and dance, an attractive person of the opposite sex begins to grind on me from behind, he was super tall so that makes him attractive by default. Anyway, we were dancing rather sexually and everyone at the table was like in shock so they all started to dance hoping they'd have similar luck as I had. I took him out back and we had a cigarette and he bought me a beer. Then he bought Tyrone and Tyler a beer, that was weird. Anyway, we had swapped numbers and I even borrowed a MAGNUM XL from Tyrone (because "the regular ones just don't fit") but I ended up chickening out. Tyler was so disappointed in me, sorry, I just didn't want to end up getting kicked out of a bed at 3 am with a dead cell phone wandering the streets of the ville, probably crying (see 2 posts back for this reference). I actually feel really good about myself for that, just a few months ago I definitely would have boned him. I'm not sure why, I just didn't want to, I guess I really am out of that phase. Yay! Now onto the dating phase where I get to either go on awful dates or ponder spending the rest of my life alone with millions of cats.

Speaking of awful dates! I'm going on one tomorrow! Let's just hope it won't be awful. I've been talking to the guy online for 9 days now and we've exchanged 60 messages or so. At least we know we have some common interests before wasting the time on meeting up like other online daters I know who like to jump the gun on that shit. If the date goes well I'm sure I'll be able to close the deal in less than 4 dates too... We are going to the brewery across the street (there's a brewery across the street from me and I didn't even know it!! It's like a 9 minute walk!! wtf!?) for "trivia night" - fuck, that reminds me, I was supposed to "brush up on my trivia" as Tyrone suggested. Ehh, Tyrone probably WOULD study for a date... I've been trying to help Tyler get a date as I've set up this winning OKC profile for him: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/_Tray_Tray_

[EDIT AFTER I POSTED THIS: Tray Tray got a message! The girl said, "I just googled Meat Mountain" - looks promising!]

I've been doing a lot of OKC trolling lately and it's been quite hilarious. Old Man Anal has spent so many hours on that site that he's been drafted as a moderator! It's not that great but it's still fun, I got to see a penis last night! Then I sent the guy a picture of a shemale, I shouldn't be an OKC moderator, it would be bad. I keep receiving these awful dirty pick up lines (because I put that in my "message me" condition) and it's been entertaining, I haven't gotten any spectacular ones yet. Aside from the guy that wanted to "tape this dick to my forehead so I can CDs nuts" in response to my question of, "do you like tapes and cds?"

I've fallen off a variety of wagons lately but I'm getting back on tomorrow, I've got a leg up on them today. I've only smoked 1 cigarette today and I went on my walk. Tomorrow I'll start the starvation again and maybe even do a fucking Shaun T video in the morning, we'll see. At least I know I'll be walking to (and possibly running back out of) the brewery tomorrow so that will be some exercise. Tyrone and I checked it out last Monday and it was rather fun! They have really good beer there and the hours are only from 5pm - 8pm so if the date is awful at least I know it's ending at 8.

This weekend has been pretty low-key which is good. Friday night was fucking insane, after work Tyrone and I went to BevMo and bought a gallon of gin and fancy tonic water. I bought some cheap ass SKY vodka so I could get wasted and not waste my good shit. I bought the karaoke game again and we sang a few songs it was pretty fun. It was awesome how Tyrone wanted nothing to do with karaoke but then after I did like 1 song he was like, "man I'm getting in to this!" so hopefully I can get more of my friends into it and we can go out and do it for real! Anyway, the entire bottle of sky got drank and I invited some neighbors over to do karaoke with me. Tyrone was passed out on my couch the entire time, I drew a penis on his face and also wrote the word penis on his face, it was as if I was so drunk that I couldn't even draw a penis so I was like "oh shit, I better write the word penis so he knows what I drew..."

Saturday I woke up feeling like shit, like, really shitty, worst hangover I've had in months. Went to the Indian buffet (that tasted like crap :( ) with Anal and then he made me go to the fucking mall, there were so many CHILDREN!! it was awful. Just screaming and running outside. Then we had to walk the whole length of it to "get our steps in." I did buy some hipster vans, I really like them so I'll have to go shopping next weekend for other accessories to match them :). I love shopping and fashion, oh what a basic bitch I am. Saturday night it was pizza and OKC trolling over at Anal's, OKC trolling is always fun. I couldn't handle it so I had to go home early and pass out. Today was nice because I woke up quick, at about noon, just thought that I had to be in Compton....

Slept in today, and drug myself out of bed and onto the couch, finagled the antennae a bit and got to watch the Broncos tear up the Cardinals, I witnessed Potato Head throw his 500'th TD pass, a feat that only Brett Favre has achieved (I thought Drew Brees did this a couple seasons ago tho?). I passed the fuck out after the game which was glorious, got my kitchen almost cleaned up and even did the fucking laundry! Woo!

Okay, it's 11:30 and I'm all out of tea. Goodnight folks and I'll update more frequently this week because I'm not doing SHIT...

XO XO
-Gossip Lady
 
 
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